When it rains it pours

Dear readers ... if you're still out there ... sorry, it has been a while. A combination of lack of truly notable travesties and laziness on my part has resulted in a year and a half of blog silence. Ok, let's be honest, it's mostly laziness, because even though I have a relatively short quiet commute to and from school most days, there is always someone doing something wrong on transit.

So after months of minor infractions not worthy of my effort to write about, this week there were two travesties that I could no longer ignore.

Travesty the first:
It was Monday. For some reason the Pacific Northwest is trying to mimic actual winter this year, so for not the first time this season, I woke up to snow. It was coming down quite heavily near my apartment, though not enough to cancel school. So I hop on the bus and don't think too much of it when we make a small detour, the purpose of which, I assume, was to avoid a short but steep hill at the beginning of the route which was probably quite slippery in the wet snow.

That should have been my clue that this ride was going to end poorly for me. But I blissfully ignored that warning sign and zoned out as usual for the next half an hour of my ride.

Then we reached the last stop before campus. And the driver makes an announcement, "Just so you know, we are on snow route detours around campus today." And that was it. No information about what this route might be and how far from my stop I was about to end up. And for that matter, no justification for why we were making a snow detour when it was now raining and there was no snow on the roads by campus at all. Of course, it meant exactly what I feared it meant ... instead of turning up the hill towards campus and my office, we went straight down around the bottom of the hill. Someone pulled the stop cord, and when the bus came to its first stop near the university gym, there was a strange delay while people looked around trying to decide if they should get off or just stay on the ride and see where they ended up. I got off because we were already well past my office and only getting farther from there. Eventually many people decided to do the same.

So now instead of being dropped right in front of my office, I have to schlep my butt up a bajillion stairs first thing in the morning in the almost freezing drizzle as well as back track around the main campus road back to my office building. Awesome. Especially awesome when the only reason I take this bus, whose route is about 10 minutes longer than the other bus to campus that comes by my apartment, is exactly because I DON'T HAVE TO WALK 10 MINUTES ACROSS CAMPUS FROM THE BUS TO MY OFFICE. So now I've wasted 10 minutes and an uphill walk. Swell.

Travesty the second:
It's almost the end of the quarter. So I'm tired, frustrated with my students and my own work, I'm ready for a vacation and I'm perpetually on edge with no patience left. I say this because this particular type of incident has happened many times during these months of blog silence, but this morning it was the straw that broke the camel's back. So here it is ...

The city bus is NOT a tour bus. Announcements by the driver should be reserved for emergencies only. It's 8 o'clock in the morning; I haven't had my coffee yet; I'm trying to zone out, listen to my music and psych myself up for the day. I do not need this process interrupted by your freaking perky voice every 5 blocks telling me what the connecting buses are. I get that you are trying to be helpful, but the city bus is every man for himself. Read the schedule, check your phone app, ask the driver, ask someone next to you. Sink or swim. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE. If you need to get somewhere, you figure it out.

Things I also don't need to hear include

• being told that the bus is `about to get busy' at a certain stop and that we should `choose who we want to sit next to now before we don't get a choice' and that people should `move back to make room'. Normally I'm all about telling people to get the eff to the back of the bus, but after loading all the people at this particularly busy stop, THERE WERE STILL EMPTY SEATS. Ask anyone who has ridden a bus at rush hour, if there are still empty seats, the bus may as well be empty - that's how far from being full it feels; that's how unnecessary the announcements were. 
• that we should all look at the guy up ahead spinning the sign (for some store I couldn't identify because I was not sitting in a seat where he was actually visible) because you read on your twitter feed this week that there is a sign-spinning competition in Las Vegas each year. `Can you believe that? I'm not making this up.'  ... ... Ask me if I care. Go ahead, ask. 
• that we've made it more than half way through the week after waking up early this morning and have a happy hump day. How about you go hump yourself, dude. My day would have been happier if you could have just kept your mouth shut for my bus ride. 

If eye-rolling made a sound, I would have been the loudest passenger on the bus this morning. 

So there you have it. In case you had forgotten in the last 18 months what an angry person I truly am, I hope this has been a nice reminder for you.

Update: I often take two buses home. A fast one that cuts off the long way around that the slow route I take in the morning follows, then I switch to the slow route for the last 5 stops or so. Did that this evening and guess who was driving the slow route bus that I happened to get on. JUST GUESS.

Did you say `perky unnecessary-announcement morning driver'? If so, you're right! The bus gods apparently hate me this week. 

It's 6:30 somewhere

A couple days ago a girl gets on a bus at 5:45pm on a weekday. She puts her ticket into the fare box. The fare box swallows her invalid ticket.

Bus driver: Did you come from Vancouver?
Girl: Yes.
Bus driver: Well you only paid for one zone.
Girl: But it's not 6.
Bus driver: Do you mean 6:30?
Girl: Isn't it only one zone until 6 o'clock?
Bus driver: That's AFTER 6:30pm. Right now it's regular fare.
Girl: Oh ...
Bus driver: I'll let you on for now, but remember that for next time or you'll get fined.

Yeah, genius ... Translink puts tickets on sale basically all day including rush hour, because in the evening is where they make the real money from fares.

Being old doesn't exempt you from common courtesy (Transit Rule #3)

I get on the bus and am sitting quite happily in my seat until the last stop on campus. The bus is very full and some old (and likely legally blind) guy gets on. Like a decent human being, I give him my seat. What does he give me? Jack all! Not a thank you or even a smile. Last time I checked, being old and being courteous are not mutually exclusive.

...Which brings me to another transit rule: "If someone gives you their seat, whether or not you 'deserve' it, say thank you!"

This would be a much better story if the driver had refused to open the doors

If you've ever been to SFU, you know the campus is not all that large. In particular the walk between the 2 main bus stops on campus is about 5 minutes, 10 if you saunter. So it never ceases to amaze me that there are people who take the bus solely for the purpose of getting between these stops.

Today in fact 2 guys thought it would be a good idea to get on a bus around 4:30 at the upper loop (classes get out at 20 past each hour, so this is one of the busiest buses of the day) and get off at the lower loop. Of course, the bus drivers only open the front doors at the lower stop to facilitate pass checking. So here are these 2 guys, pushing helplessly on the back door which refuses to open. Eventually someone (who was not one of those 2 guys) yelled to the driver to get him to open the back doors.

Did they have small children with them? No. Was either of them disabled? No. Were they carrying something large/awkward/heavy? No. So I really hope they accidentally got on the wrong bus, otherwise personally, I think it would have served them right if the driver hadn't opened the doors. This type of lazy should not be encouraged.

Don't worry, I didn't need the bus, just the exercise

It's one thing to run for your bus and just not get to the stop in time to get on. It's another thing to run for your bus, make eye contact with the driver, get to the stop in time to stand outside the closed door and still have the bus driver drive off without you.

Don't worry, I wasn't trying to get on the bus...
I was doing interval training...
by the bus loop...
in the blazing sun...
in flip flops...
with a backpack. At least, I can totally see why the bus driver would think that ... Ass. Hole.

Gimme a brake

I'm convinced that there are some bus drivers who have never actually ridden a bus before. Particularly those who like to slam on their brakes at every bus stop and red light. Have you never driven this route before? Did the bus stop sneak up on you? Or have you just never heard of gradual deceleration? Maybe that's not something they teach in Bus Driving 101. I guess it's not that important; it's not like any of us are trying to keep our balance and not fall over on these things, right?

One for those of you in cars...

A piece of common sense advice which is all too often ignored: if you drive a compact car, sedan, basically anything smaller than a semi, you should avoid cutting off an articulated bus full of people careening down a large hill.

If you don't quite make it and the bus plows into you, it would certainly be uncomfortable, disturbing and inconvenient for those of us on the bus. But let's face it, we're on a vehicle the size of 2 buses and you're in a car; the outcome is going to be so much worse for you.

It's normally such a nice bus...

I frequently take the 509 to Walnut Grove to get to Guildford mall, because it makes no stops between Surrey Central and the mall and it's generally a quiet bus with only a few riders. Today, however, it seemed to be a magnet for sob stories.

First some guy tries to get on with a pop and a plate of pizza. The bus driver tells him he can't bring food on the bus. He says, 'Are you kidding me?'; she tells him to read the sign; he storms off angrily.

Then a girl gets on with a monthly pass. She only half shows it to the driver. The driver stops her and asks to see it again. It's only a 2 zone pass ...the OTHER 2 zones. Driver makes her add fare.

Then some guy gets on with a sob story about how he had a ticket earlier in the day. I didn't hear much more than that, but it ended with him dropping money in the farebox.

Then pizza boy comes back. "What if I promise not to eat it? I'll put it in my bag." Bus driver says no, again. "We can't trust you," she says. Pizza boy calls her a f#@*ing b!tch and storms off again.

Finally some teenager comes running up to the bus and asks the driver if she can wait for his friends. She says, "Only if they are right behind you because I'm leaving now." Boy holds on to bus door and leans out the side of bus to yell at friends to hurry. Now boy and his friends are having an unnecessarily loud conversation in the back of my usually quiet bus.

Added bonus! There is construction on the bus's usual route. So we're on a fantastic detour during which we just sat at one light almost as long as it usually takes to get to Guildford.

Good thing it's Friday.

Who's the parent?

Woman gets on the bus with a small child. Small child stands near door at back of bus. Woman sits in seat across from door. Woman says to son, "You should be sitting here." Gentleman next to woman gets up to give seat to child. Woman says, "Oh you don't have to do that; he probably won't listen anyway; he's pretty stubborn."

Wow. Now I may not have kids, but I'm sure my parentally-inclined friends will agree, "probably won't listen" is not an acceptable default state for a child.

Way to put forth an effort at parenting, lady.

I'll have a large BO with extra cheese

I'm on the bus, feeling pretty pleased that there is an empty seat next to me, when at the last minute some guy gets on and sits next to me. The first thing that greets me is the overwhelming stench of his BO. Then I see he's got a box of pizza with him. And that's when I realize ... for the next 20 minutes of my life I'll be stuck enduring the smell symphony from hell that is alternating wafts of pizza and BO.

Could you keep moving please?

I get to production station this morning, along with the hoard of other people getting off the skytrain, since school is back in session for the summer semester. There's a bus already at the stop with only the back two doors open. So most people, myself included, load through the middle door, then move to the front or back. Easy, right? Well as I've already observed many a time, there's always some self-centered idiot who stands just far enough into the bus that he's not "blocking the door", but you can't actually get past him to the rest of the bus. 

Today that guy was standing right between the seats just in front of the middle door, blocking an empty front of the bus. Neither he nor the guy behind him seem to see any problem with this. I, however, see the people behind me still trying to get on with the back of the bus mostly full. So I put on angry teacher voice and say, "Could you keep moving, please." The please may suggest politeness, but the tone, as several of my former students could attest, suggests 'do what I say before I attack you with office supplies'.

Next Time Just Pack a Snack

You know what is entirely unnecessary on the bus? Some trashy-looking dude sitting with his arm around his girlfriend, practically grabbing her boob, and then trying to nibble (actually more like chow down) on her ear.

Even she wasn't having any of it. Get the hint dude ... everyone thinks you're gross, even your girlfriend.

You can't always stand where you want

It's exam time. The bus to SFU is less crowded than usual and you'll probably get a seat, or at least have your choice of prime standing locations.

The bus is by no means empty though. This means if you're near the front of the line to get on, usual bus etiquette applies. Move to the back, pick a seat, sit down and keep the heck out of the way of people trying to get on. It's not rocket science, which is why it astounds me when people still get on the bus, decide they want to stand in their favorite spot and then refuse to move. 

This morning, the standing spot of choice was right by the middle door, where not 1, not 2, but 3 people were huddled while people were still trying to get on through that door. The bus is not anywhere near full; there are still seats available; even if you are getting off at the first stop (which these people did not do), you could have sat down out of the way and not gotten trapped behind a hoard of people. So why are you crowded around the door like you are going to jump from the bus at the first sign of danger?

As an added bonus, when people are huddled by that door and others are still coming on through it, no one getting on the front door (read: ME!) can get past, and you end up with 60% of the people crammed into the front third of the bus, while the back still has empty seats.

Transit Lesson #1: If you want to stand near a door, get on last.